Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Dear billierosie,

My Dilemma is thus. I am a gay man (I want to add now in a Northern Irish accent as per the Catherine Tate show sketch, but won't as people will think me quite mad) and have always been so, I am comfortable in my own skin and have had no issues or concerns other than the usual that us queer folks have to endure chucked my way as a result of being queer. I am mindfully aware however that I am not overtly camp or feminine unless I have had ten pints of beer. It pains me that my comrades in arms who are naturally prone to effeminacy tend to get far more stick from straight (men usually) people. This is wrong and despicable and shouldn't happen. Anyway I ramble so back to the point.

A long standing, straight, male mate of mine who is a new age type and allegedly enlightened is beginning to annoy me a bit. There have been lots of little issues but the most recent was almost a straw that broke the camels back situation and the problem is he has no idea how pissed off I am! To some, this will seem like a stupid insignificant little episode I'm sure but its bothering me.

Let me stress that I haven't hit on him and I am not attracted to him or ever given him reason to think that.

At the cinema on Friday (a regular habit) we went to see Inception, it was almost fully booked with just two seats together or two separate ones dotted about. The cashier lady simply said; you better have those two seats (referring to the ones side by side) as I expect you will want to sit together, all very innocent and no implied innuendo or suggestion intended on her part.

My mate then felt the need in the most pronounced and almost embarrassing fashion to declare the fact to this cashier, a stranger, that he had a girlfriend, slightly more to it but you get the gist. She looked taken aback and I was so horrified at the intent behind his comment I spent the next two hours seething as it has happened before but not quite in the same way.

Does he have a problem with being thought gay even when he is out with someone who doesn't 'appear' gay In a mincing sense and even if I did mince what's his fucking problem?

Or is it as another girl friend of mine suggested the case that he is bothered by his own repressed feelings? This also explains why I am kind of pigeon holed amongst his mates. He is happy to go to the cinema, or to the auctions or to a car boot sale with me and glean the benefit of my insight and knowledge, but will never invite me out for a pint in town if he is out with his other friends -- clearly he is terrified that his other mates might take offence or think him gay because he knows someone that is.

Christ small town mentality eh? What the hell should it matter! I plan to confront him but I know he will be quite horrified if I do! Overall he is a nice chap but I am feeling like a second class citizen around him and having put up with social prejudice for a long time I shouldn't be made to feel like this by someone who is supposed to me a mate!

Do you think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and how would you respond in such a situation??

Viscount Andrew

So c'mon folks -- what's the answer to the Viscount's dilemma?


  1. Viscount -- the problem is your so called friend's, not yours. He has issues of his own -- which you can't solve for him. It does seem like a case of "the lady doth protest too much."

    Confronting people can be painful, and it's difficult to do it in a measured way. But I think you should explain to him, that he really has pissed you off -- and why.

    And don't let him turn it back on you and tell you that you're being oversensititive.

    He's being a clumsy, insensitive twit -- tell him!

  2. Absolutely! This is HIS problem and not yours - and it irks me to no end that someone is that insecure, and that they would be such a jerk in public. Grrrr. I say either talk to him or simply cut him off. To be cynical I doubt that someone with these kinds of issues can change ...

  3. Thanks Billierosie, thanks Mr Christian, yep I see where you are coming from. As is usual for me I try to understand these things from the other persons view often at the expense of my own feelings! Just remembered an occasion where said mate arranged to meet me in Rugby at the auctions and he happened to be with his dad, he was so cold and distant when I turned up, didn't want and did not introduce me to his folks and again I thought wats up! Anyway have been reflecting on this and although he does have some good qualities he needs to be told about this whether it upsets him or not. I am the one who has been slighted god damn it!

    I shall arrange to meet him in a public place and I shall don fish nets, high heels and a Vivienne Westwood Basque then we will shall see whos's the Daddy! I may actually skip the costume but would be cool in a way! Cheers me dears! love you lots like lemon drops! xxxxx

  4. Viscount, Billie,

    As usual, I'm late to the party, but that seems to be my life.

    Viscount, the first thing that came to mind when I'd read your post was, the man is a twit. He may proclaim he's not prejudice or offended by gay people, but what he says and what he does are two very different things. He's made no effort to spare your feelings, but has used you time and time again.

    The dipshit!

    I'm sorry, but people like this just anger me. Personally, I'd love to see you show up in drag, and not leave until you'd had your say to him. But, I also realize I'm inserting my own desires into what must be a very uncomfortable situation for you. The man needs to know how insensitive and hurtful his treatment of you has been.

    Heck, I'd even bring the cuffs and...never mind. I'll behave now.

    I really hope you get this sorted out to your satisfaction. It would be wonderful if dumbass came around, but honestly, I can't see it happening.


  5. Cheers Jude, I loved your response! Said 'mate' has just returned from a short trip with his girlfriend, he rang me full of the joys of spring, asked if I had missed him would you believe! He still has no idea (yet) that he has been a dick! Anyway I plan to deal with this and will meet him this week and get this off my chest!

    Will let you know how I get on!

    Thanks again folks! xx