Friday 2 January 2015

WRITING BDSM AS A FEMINIST by Christina Harding



I am a self-descried feminist, yet at the same time I also enjoy reading and writing BDSM. These two traits seem to contradict each other. On one hand, feminism is about the equality of the sexes, while on the other hand “dominance and submission” is literally in the definition of BDSM. And so, it has been a bit of a grapple for me to figure out how to rationalize these two opposing values.


In this rationalization, I think it’s important to keep in mind exactly what feminism entails. For this, I would like to refer you to this speech given by Emma Watson to the UN:




If you have not yet had a chance to watch this powerful and eloquent speech, I highly recommend it. Ms. Watson perfectly encapsulates my views on feminism. Unfortunately the word “feminism” has become synonymous with “man-hating” and with cold-hearted women who only care about their career. But this is not the integrity of the ideology which feminism stands for. Feminists simply believe that both sexes should be treated with the same respect and privileges. It would be hard for me to list an ideal which I hold closer to my heart.


However, I remember back to when I was as young as seven years old having dreams in which I was a slave being whipped, which I strangely enjoyed. At that time, I didn’t have the understanding or vocabulary to describe this strange joy, but in my later years I came to realize I was experiencing arousal. This type of dream reached an apex for me many years later when I was traveling in Venice, Italy (strangely enough). In this dream I was being gang-raped by three different completely unattractive men. They were practically fully clothed and I was naked. Over the years I’ve learned to have some control over my dreams, and so I manipulated it to make the scenario as vulgar as possible. I woke myself up, soaking wet. I had to go to the restroom to dry myself off. When I woke up the next morning I had completely forgotten the dream, until I discovered I still needed to dry myself off.


At this point, it’s important to backtrack. Both of the stories I have provided have been dreams. The reality of the matter is that truly whipping a slave or gang-raping a woman are horrible crimes which will have lasting effects on the physical and mental well-being of the victim. Nearly ten years ago I was home alone at around 12:30am when a stranger tried to break into my home with the intent of hurting me. Fortunately the criminal was unsuccessful in his ploy, but it left me terrified of being home alone at night. It’s a fear that has lead me to install alarm systems in my home and avoid being home alone at night whenever possible. This close call nearly ten years ago has made me feel uncomfortable in my own home ever since. I can only imagine the impact it would have had if this criminal had actually been successful.


Clearly I become aroused when BDSM graces my dreams, but pushing this line in reality is a completely different matter. However, that’s where the important distinction lies. Dreams, much like fantasies, are not reality. Many little boys love the fantasy of killing a dragon, but if faced with the “reality” of a huge fire-breathing dragon, would probably feel otherwise. This is the same case with BDSM.


There are many authors who refuse to write BDSM because they “know too many people who have been raped.” I completely sympathize and respect this concern. However, I think psychotic men who would actually rape a woman would do so regardless of whether or not they read my work. A man who would do such a thing has a lot of other problems which have little to do with my writing.


Additionally, I personally found I could only truly appreciate my own sexuality when I learned to embrace my desire for the fantasy of BDSM. Finally learning to embrace and express this fantasy originated in the very safe place of reading BDSM. Then it progressed into role-play with my husband. While this may seem more like “reality” the fact of the matter is that I’m in a loving, committed, trusting relationship, and I know that if I ever seriously conveyed any kind of discomfort my husband would stop immediately. This is fantasy because we’re “pretending.” Finally, I continued to explore my thirst for BDSM by writing some of my own in the form of a paranormal erotic novelette, Underneath the Gargoyle. The fact that this is a paranormal novelette couldn’t underscore more the fact that this is a fantasy. Embracing and exploring my love for BDSM has enriched my sex life and strengthened my relationship with my husband.


I am a feminist who also believes that sexuality is an integral part of human existence and a happy marriage. Sometimes fully embracing our sexuality entails accepting and cultivating a desire for BDSM. I write BDSM because I believe enacting our sexual fantasies in a committed, trusting relationship is another way to express our love.


Christina Harding is a pseudonym. She is a guest blogger for Romance at Random of Random House and the author of Underneath the Gargoyle a paranormal erotic series available at Amazon US and Amazon UK

She also blogs at www.christinahardingerotica.blogspot.com and tweets @tinaerotica. Christina is happily married and enjoys reading sexy stories with her husband.

8 comments:

  1. This post makes perfect sense. The BDSM erotica I've read (and written) is very different from actual hate speech, such as material produced by young male students in fraternities in the U.S.and Canada that have become notorious for date-rape.
    As a reviewer of erotica, I've come to recognize the difference between scenarios that involve intense sensation (whipping, etc.), bondage or "degradation" (in which the "victim" is often the centre of admiring attention) based on the desires of everyone involved and scenarios in which someone is treated with real contempt. The differences aren't hard to see, especially for a reader who has read a lot of erotic fantasy.
    The bottom line (to use a cliche) is that even in the most outrageous fantasy, all the characters must have human qualities to be sexy. (And I think gargoyles have had an unfairly bad press! They were included in the architecture of cathedrals as guardians of sacred space, to scare off demons.)

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response!

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  2. On this subject, I hope readers of this blog have been following the Jian Ghomeshi scandal in Canada. Ghomeshi was a popular arts-show host for the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corp, parallel to the BBC). When one woman went public to say he had abused her, he claimed that he liked "rough sex," but that it was always consensual. He was fired from his job, and he filed suit for wrongful dismissal. Since then, 9 women have come forward to say that he attacked them without warning, some have gone to the police, and Ghomeshi has been charged with assault. He has withdrawn his suit. The differences between the consistent accounts of the complainants and "real" BDSM have been outlined by a Canadian BDSM educator, Andrea Zanin. Unfortunately, I have no links handy, but if you google any of these keywords, you will find a lot of material. Huffington Post included an article. Ghomeshi has not been tried yet, but when he is, there will another spike in news about him.

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    1. This kind of story truly infuriates me :/

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  3. Thank you so much for hosting me billierosie! The post looks great! xoxo

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    1. You are welcome Christina..thanks for the readers you're bringing to my blog!

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  4. Do you lack so much self-awareness that you don't realize the reason you think men are the actors and women are the objects is because that's you're own personal preference for sex

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  5. Do you lack so much self-awareness that you don't realize the reason you think men are the actors and women are the objects is because that's you're own personal preference for sex

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